Friends or Enemies

Listening to all of the rhetoric on both sides of the Iraqi conflict, I am reminded of one of the truths I discovered while researching the mid-20th century peace movement for my doctoral dissertation: it is easier to have enemies than to have friends. This may, at first, seem either distressing or counter-intuitive, but it is a reality that I think important to keep in mind at a time when hateful words are being thrown around with such ease and such fervor.

Having an enemy is simple; it’s all black and white. I hate you. You hate me. Whatever you say is wrong. And besides, I don’t really care about you — which means I don’t have to put any thought or effort into evaluating what you say or do.

Having a friend is so much more complex. I like you. But I don’t always agree with you. We always try to be nice to each other, but occasionally (and usually inadvertently) do something unkind. We care about each other’s well-being, but sometimes accidentally do hurtful things.

Being angry at an enemy is often accompanied by feelings of indifference. Sometimes expressing anger towards an enemy even makes us feel better. But disagreement, anger or hurtfulness where a friend is concerned is painful. We want things to be right between ourselves and our friends; but this is not always an easy task. Maintaining a friendship is hard work.

Sometimes we can overlook differences with our friends. But when something is terribly important to us, this cannot always be done. Look at the heated debate in the United Nations Security Council before the war began. Traditional allies as well as new friends dug in with opposing positions. At first there was discussion and argument — each side trying to convince the other of the correctness of its stance. But as negotiation became less productive, friends were less and less willing to listen to each other. When the United States began referring to the U.N. Security Council as irrelevant, the discussions broke down completely, and the former friends began vilifying each other.

A student of mine pointed out that it is easier to make an enemy out of a friend than it is to make a friend out of an enemy. The best way to make an enemy is to become indifferent. Declaring a person or an entity “irrelevant” is one of the best ways to create an enemy. When two people are angry at each other, they are, at least, still in relationship. Being in relationship is the most fundamental component of friendship. As long as two people are in relationship, the potential for restoring friendship exists. But when, in frustration, a person begins treating another with indifference, the possibility of reconciliation is eliminated.

The task of restoring or creating friendship where indifference exists is challenging. The first step is a willingness to be in relationship. This is not at all easy. To be willing to begin a relationship means a willingness to accept disagreement and discomfort while maintaining the determination not to run away from the unpleasantness. Eventually, this means letting go of some things that may be important to us, finding value in the relationship itself, and putting the relationship ahead of cherished ideas or ideals. It requires a sacrifice of ego that for many of us seems unacceptable.

In times of strife, we pray for shalom — for peace. But the word shalom also carries with it the sense of wholeness or completeness. Creating shalom between two people does not mean the elimination of disagreement. That would be impossible. Rather, it means the establishment of connection — an environment in which communication can make the relationship whole. Our tradition teaches “Elu d’varim sh’ein lahem shiur” — There are the deeds which cannot be measured, which are so valuable that they rise above any simple accounting. One such deed is “va-ahavat shalom bein adam lachaveiro” making peace — wholeness, reconciliation — between a person and his friend. How do we do this for others? How do we do this in our own lives? By having the courage to stand and, with determination, hold fast to the uncomfortable connection that can lead to reconciliation. This is, indeed, true courage.

May we treasure always the friendships we have. May we never allow indifference to replace disagreement. And may we have the courage to reach across painful divides and begin the journey to shalom

B’shalom,
Andrew Bernard
Cantor